Where I am

Designers whiz past me with their perfectly put together rooms. They spark in me a desire to create, a delight of the visual senses and a tinge of jealousy.

But then I look down at my sleeping baby, feeling safest in my arms. His tiny fingers, his fluffy spiked brown hair, his slightly open mouth, his button nose and I remember why my fabric boxes have sat unopened, why the design center remains shut to me, why the look books head straight to the recycling bins.

Because holding a baby is what I dreamt of since I was a little girl.  Because putting his skin against mine heals my heart. Because that little baby face and those tiny baby toes. Because the moment already feels fleeting as I mourn the passing of infancy.  Because just as I protect Rowan, Rowan protects me.

The girls flit around the kitchen, bouncing with delight as their Halloween costumes have arrived. Their imaginations take flight and make believe worlds are created within mere minutes. Cheers and giggles, flutters and hops. Happiness abounds in the moment. And I already feel nostalgic as I live it.

My whole family is here. Graham and I steal glances at each other and give smiles as we both revel in the love. It can’t possibly get cuter and then it does with a sweet “this is the best day ever” from Josie or an “oh my goodness” from Gracie. Simultaneous bum bum dances from the girls while Rowan feeds and Graham arranges dinner to the tune of the Oh Hellos.  This is living.

Certainly motherhood is a full time eb and flow. Three little ones depending on me is a massive undertaking. The ebs are painfully difficult. Running from child to child as one has an accident, the other pulls off her own poopy diaper and the infant blows out all over his pajamas – perfectly timed in unison, to test my stamina. These moments have happened. Gray hairs have instantly appeared.

But then the flow comes shortly after. All kids cleaned up, accidents wiped away.  I walk in on the scene of Grace “reading” to Rowan while Josie gently strokes his feet. It’s a moment I alone witness. One that any description will never give away the full beauty of what I saw. A moment that I remind myself makes every eb worth it.

I’ve got my brood and I couldn’t be more grateful for who they are and where they’ve brought me too. So happy I get to be exactly where I am.

All photos taken by the ridiculously talented Liz Perryman.