Looking Back at 2012
Looking back on 2012, it has been a year of ups and downs. Luckily for us, the ups have been much better then the downs.
To be honest, I started 2012 off in a bad way. By Jan. 2012, we had been trying for a baby for a year and we decided to try out Chlomid one more time before moving on to IVF. By February, we began our journey with IVF and after some hiccups on the road, like polyp removals and other frustrations, the first round worked for us. By June 2012, we found out we were pregnant and our battle was coming to a close. It is a miracle that still overwhelms me with gratitude.
Infertility falls a close second to losing a parent on my scale of experiences. It was an incredibly trying time and it is especially hard as a woman to be denied what feels like a natural right of passage to bear children. It was a frightening feeling to not know if I could ever have a child. From January through June, I tried everything that I could for a baby; I went to a hypnotherapist, acupuncturist, crystal healer, support group, and a sleep specialist in addition to my fertility doctor. Looking back, I have to say that I’m proud of myself for getting through those grim days and for setting up a community of eastern and western healers in an attempt to get pregnant. To be honest, I can’t say that I’m far away enough from the experience yet to believe that it made me stronger and that there were blessings in the experience. I will probably get there one day.
There still are remnants of bitterness that linger. The past four years were not easy for me. Long distance with my new husband while giving my dying father, with cancer in his brain, around the clock care was traumatic. Dealing with losing Dad, unemployed, living in a new city was a tough depression to pull myself out of. Moving back home with Graham and finally feeling emotionally ready for a baby only to be hit with infertility left me questioning why my battles had to be so consistent and so taxing. It shook my faith to the core. It left me depleted and needing to reflect inward, with little attempt to reach out to friends or to be that social fun loving person I had been for most of my life.
I will never forget the June day when there was a change in tide. With IVF, you don’t just get to pee on a stick to see if you’re pregnant. You take a blood test in the morning and then wait about four hours for the news. After taking the test in the morning,Graham and I went to a hole in the wall Mexican place for lunch. We had not heard the results of the test yet. Suddenly, I was overcome with a feeling, as I watched Graham take a bite of his burrito, I thought, “I love this man. Together, one way or another, we will have a family” I felt blessed. At that very moment, the phone rang and it was the Dr. I knew before I even said hello that it had to be positive. And it was!
Graham and I jumped for joy on the side of El Camino. It was one of the best moments of our lives and to this day, remains my favorite day since our wedding.
Even though the tide had turned, there was still a great deal of fear that tragedy would hit again and we would lose the baby. I was put on a strict diet by my acupuncturist and I saw her twice a week; my fertility doctor took me off all forms of exercise,including walking; there were more extensive tests to be done for an IVF baby, including a thorough test of the heart. With each passing day and a pregnancy that stuck, my worry began to lift. With each test coming back normal, my depression dissipated.
It wasn’t until about month five that I could begin to let go and actually believe that this pregnancy would work out. As my confidence and trust in the universe has grown, I have been able to take my eyes off the bumps in the road and to enjoy the view.
I do still have fears about the health of our baby. I worry about my own health and wanting to be there for my child. I worry about something happening to Graham. I worry about my mom’s health and the thought of life without both of my parents. But, I think this is the noise that all of us have looming in the back of our minds.
The fact is that these thoughts are background noises and not the thundering voices that once dictated my life. I am breathing. I am daydreaming. I am appreciating my husband. I am singing loudly and off key. I am adding an extra bounce to my step. I am laughing more than I have in years.
So, yes, the first half of this year was really tough but the second half has been nothing short of amazing. I hope and I pray for good things to come in 2013, most of all a healthy baby. My goal for 2013 is to not let my difficult past get in the way of the bright future. I want to let go of all the hardness and bitterness that has crept in. I want to stop looking forward in nervous anticipation for bumps but rather soak in the present and trust that things will work out. I know to truly accomplish these goals will take a lot of emotional work and dedication to positivity. I will continue to work at it and I wish all the best for you as we each work to choose happiness in our own ways.
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